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Author Topic: Forgiveness and Reconciliation  (Read 2500 times)

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guest24

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Forgiveness and Reconciliation
« on: October 08, 2018, 09:36:57 am »
So the last couple of weeks I have been battling with my flesh to not take back the forgiveness that I have given to people in my life that have done me great evil. The problem is that things happen that remind me of the evil and therein I try to take it back because I am "justified" to be angry and hurt.

As I was talking to Brian about this, it suddenly struck me that those people who allowed reconciliation to happen I don't have the same recurring problem with forgiving. This got me thinking about the connection between forgiveness and reconciliation.

Forgiveness is something we can do no matter what the other person does and we absolutely should. Reconciliation however is to restore the relationship and for a variety of reasons reconciliation isn't always possible.

So based on these understanding or offer a new understanding of forgiveness verses reconciliation, how are they connected and how can we forgive without wanting to take it back when reconciliation isn't possible?

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patrick jane

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Re: Forgiveness and Reconciliation
« Reply #1 on: October 08, 2018, 02:49:14 pm »
So the last couple of weeks I have been battling with my flesh to not take back the forgiveness that I have given to people in my life that have done me great evil. The problem is that things happen that remind me of the evil and therein I try to take it back because I am "justified" to be angry and hurt.

As I was talking to Brian about this, it suddenly struck me that those people who allowed reconciliation to happen I don't have the same recurring problem with forgiving. This got me thinking about the connection between forgiveness and reconciliation.

Forgiveness is something we can do no matter what the other person does and we absolutely should. Reconciliation however is to restore the relationship and for a variety of reasons reconciliation isn't always possible.

So based on these understanding or offer a new understanding of forgiveness verses reconciliation, how are they connected and how can we forgive without wanting to take it back when reconciliation isn't possible?
Really quickly on first thought, I think it has a lot to do with contentment. Just letting it go. We can't change what someone did and whether both parties reconcile or only one forgives or rather, accepts the reality of it. It's hard to be content while holding on to bitter feelings or feelings of unresolved issues.



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guest24

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Re: Forgiveness and Reconciliation
« Reply #2 on: October 08, 2018, 05:00:00 pm »
Interesting and agreed...when I have problems, it's kind of like a PTSD or something when someone or something opens old wounds so to speak...I usually manage to hold onto forgiveness but the battle still rages on at those times.  The old man dies slowly and painfully.
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patrick jane

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Re: Forgiveness and Reconciliation
« Reply #3 on: October 08, 2018, 05:29:33 pm »
Interesting and agreed...when I have problems, it's kind of like a PTSD or something when someone or something opens old wounds so to speak...I usually manage to hold onto forgiveness but the battle still rages on at those times.  The old man dies slowly and painfully.
I actually struggle with this problem the most with my dad. He beat my mom when I was between 2 and 15, or from my earliest memories I should say. To hear the noise, the stomping, banging yelling, crying, cussing, screaming, the sound of fist hitting flesh and being helpless was something I will never forget and I struggle to forgive when I let it get to me.

I'm tearing up now and you're right Lori, it is ptsd for sure. That's exactly what it is. We relive the moments and the memories play back in our minds. The emotions come back too. My dad was also a bookie, making money by taking bets from many others and an alcoholic and a cheater. I love my dad though all the same.




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guest33

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Re: Forgiveness and Reconciliation
« Reply #4 on: October 08, 2018, 10:03:18 pm »
Hey patrick jane,

I had no idea that you have gone through so very much in your youth.  It really is overwhelming for you to have to live such a life as you have.  I am quite surprised that you turned out so very well as you have.  It sounds just AWFUL, pj!!  I hope that, at least, some of the wounds have healed a good amount.  Seems like a very good reason to have turned to the Lord.  He is the Father you deserve!!!

My mom was **** by her father, my grandfather.  That happened when she was younger.  It  had quite a negative affect on her life, but she turned out quite an exceptional mother.  I don't want to tell you all that right now.

I can suggest to you that you consider Jesus and God are your best Friends.  You will have a brother and Savior in Jesus, as you have a Father in the Lord God.  Go for it and be full of joy, pj!  I will chat more with you soon, as it's time for dinner again.  May They Always Be With You Closely!!

MichaelC
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Re: Forgiveness and Reconciliation
« Reply #5 on: October 09, 2018, 03:30:42 am »
I am so sorry for the awful things that happened in your lives...I myself had some really disturbing memories of terrible fights and my mom being bloody, my grandmother pushing me to other room not to see it, my father was retarded, I had to grow up with him babysitting me...that is all my grandmother arranged it...it ofcourse ended with my mother leaving my father, then they all blamed me for her leaving (I was 12 at that time), she remarried to an alchoholic...my family aunts and uncles mollested me (one of them tried to **** me) as if I were never their member...I was supposed to be more stupid then their children (since my father was retarded), but it was the other way around...and I had very big mouth (the only weapon I had) so it was really hard growing up...not to mention it all moulded me for things to come because I married an alchoholic with traumas and war demons (he was in a civil in former Yougoslavia), and ended up bitten up severely...I even was a victim of mobbing in my workplace-nobody believed me...untill the very end when my boss also felt it on her skin...she was depressed, crying, had problems with her husband for not believing her-everything I felt for years...)...I myself voluntarily asked to be hospitalized in a mental hospital... (to be secluded and to get some proof...in the end legally that worked)...but it was really challenging from every single facet of my life....so...there is nothing that satan can do, that Yeshua can not undo! I am the living proof!!! After all the mollestation and putting down, every single lie of the enemy that I am worthless, that i deserve to be tortured, humiliated, trampled on, bitten, mocked at...I survived to praise Yah, my father who took me out of the gutter of this earth's life to show me that it's all nothing comparing to light that now shines in my heart, the light of having Yeshua in me, and me being in Yeshua, and every day I get up feeling my soul uplifted, my heart praises Yah, feeling the overwhelming love of Yeshua...and whatever I find it hard in my every day life, I just remember: "if I don't have Yah, i'm nothing..."if he is for us, who can be against us "
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guest24

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Re: Forgiveness and Reconciliation
« Reply #6 on: October 09, 2018, 09:08:49 am »
I have been praying most of the night about how much of my own story to share.  I am still not sure and if you all don't want to read what parts I tell I understand.

I am very blessed to have given my life completely to God at a young age.  For those who don't know that story yet, I was about 6 years old and my life was so out of control I was looking for a way to kill myself.  One night as I lay there trying not to go to sleep and wishing beyond all hope that I would either simply not wake up or that if I did wake up my family would be gone, I got to thinking about this world.  I reasoned that this world couldn't just happen, there had to be a creator.  If there was a creator, He/She/They/It would never create something bigger than He was...if nothing was bigger, than all I needed to survive was to become one with the creator.  That night I prayed that if I was right would the Creator become so much a part of me that it was impossible to know where He began and I ended.  It didn't take long for God to start revealing Himself to me and teach me to follow Him including how to forgive.

With that background in place, God began to show me that I needed to forgive.  Not just the abuses that brought all that about but the part of the story that is not only long but the hardest part for me to forgive.  You see, I have known physical abuse, emotional abuse and sexual abuse but the following story is the part I struggle the most with because there isn't a single moment of the day I am not reminded of the depraved indifference of people in my life (nicest way I can put it)

So here is the shortest version I know to give of my greatest struggle to forgive and leave it there.

It all began when I was a young kid.  Today my mother confesses that it started when I was a newborn but that has been a long time coming.  I have anaphylactic type reactions to onions.  I know, so far doesn't sound too bad, but the story builds so if you decided to read, be patient.  When I eat onions or even onion powder, my throat and tongue swell making it hard to swallow (chock a lot) and breath.  I am allergic to some other things but that will come back up later.  My parents ignored the symptoms and so I grew up just thinking it was part of life.  In fact, my parents loved onions and so every meal was full of onions.  I am so highly allergic that even ketchup causes a reaction.  As a very young teen my parents wanted to get me into braces.  My tongue didn't rest right so they sent me to a speech therapist who told them that my tongue was always swollen which was causing it to push my teeth out.  Instead of doing something about my tongue swelling, they had the orthodontist enlarge my palet to make room for my tongue.  So my entire life I lived with constant swelling of my throat and tongue and no one cared and nobody did anything to help only made it worse.  My mother today says, "If only you would have been old enough to tell us" but it has only been the last 5ish years that she accepts it and I am 58, you would think that by the time I was about 53 I would have been old enough to communicate the problem lol

Okay, so moving forward.  I also have issues with chemicals.  One day (I tell this story because there was a witness and by the time this happened I had been convinced by my family I was insane)  when Brian and I were dating we were sitting in the living room.  My dad put a disinfectant on the cat.  The cat came over to me and I had an instant and severe asthma attack because of the chemical.  it was bad enough that my mother and now husband were trying to get me to go to the ER.  When the cat left I felt better so refused to go.  But also remember, at this point I have been conditioned to accept this as just part of life.  Well, my father sprayed the disinfectant on the carpet and laughed at me not being able to breath.  To explain for anyone wondering, yes he knew what he was doing, the last few months of his life he had problems breathing and asked me how to work through it.

Fast forward to our living in inner city which is a whole story in and of itself.  I am having continued problems with hidden onions, parsley, and paprika as well as chemicals.  Every day I have either swelling in throat and tongue or asthma or both while trying to raise 5 kids and be the wife my husband needed me to be.  WE were out dumpster diving (another story yet) and when we got home I developed hives.  The hives turned into swelling in the face, I explain it as elephantiasis type swelling if you know what that is. Severe distortion if you don't know what it is.  I took lots of antihistamine to avoid an ER visit we couldn't afford.  That worked but shortly afterwards, I developed Afib.

The ER Dr. said that the antihistamine caused my heart to go out of rhythm....so they put me on meds that they were not suppose to give anyone with allergies.  when I told them things were getting worse, they ignored me.  This went on for 7ish years.  Things got so bad that I was no longer able to function.  To give you a quick understanding, I can no longer get the mail because of chemicals in the ink that cause severe asthma, I can't open the windows if an neighbor is spraying stuff (our neighbors are not close, we have a 1/4 mile lane) etc.  Every time I walk out the door it could mean a reaction that we can't control and death.  No place is safe.  It is so bad that our pastor one Sat. night had round up on his hand..he thought he had washed it all off but when he shook my hand there was enough that I was flat on my back in bed for a week with my respirator, digestive and circulatory systems all trying to shut down.  I couldn't even go to our daughters graduation because of the soaps in the restrooms in the school.  When we travel (to visit kids) I can't go to the restroom until we get there or get home because of the chemicals in the soaps.  Well that is just a quick version of how bad things got and the Dr. ignored me.  I did convince one physicians assistant to listen when the swelling was going down.  He looked at my throat, gasped and told me not to go a single day without antihistamine because I had no idea everything I was allergic to.  To make the picture even a small bit clearer yet, I could get very ill from any food that goes into my mouth because it could have chemicals that cause me problems even if it is something I have eaten for years.  Changed formulas to things we have used for years can also cause problems and they don't have to tell you if the formulas have changed, so anything is potentially lethal.

Well things got so bad that I was going to the ER every night with BP spiking to 200/170 or 180 then dropping (when having a reaction) to 80/40 range in a matter of minutes or seconds.  i was set up for a stroke and no one would listen.  In fact, when we called the Dr. they were so unconcerned that they were going to get me an appointment a month from when we called.  I honestly wouldn't have lived that long the way things were going.  Before I finish this story let me say that we prayed that God would show us the answers and today I refuse Dr. care and treat it myself.  I have the most stable BP I have had in years and are making some other progress...but now for the rest of the story and why it is so hard to leave forgiveness.

You see, the end result of all of this is something called myofascial pain disease.  It is triggered by high cortisol (stress hormone) that got out of control with the med they had me on and depleted me of things that I needed to not have the severe reactions that I do.  The best way I can explain myofascial pain disease is think about a cross between muscle pain when you work out, a muscle cramp, and add to that if like your hip is out of place.  It is a none stop pain that nothing cuts.  It is a neuromuscular disease and thus leaves me unable to walk...so far I can walk with a walker but when we are out I am in a chair and what walking I do is not only painful but exhausting.  The muscles can cramp up to 2000 lb per square inch which draws my joints out of whack and puts pressure on my organs and thus I am constantly popping my joints in and out.  It is not uncommon for one leg to be up to 2 inches shorted from muscle cramping.  There isn't much research but they do know cortisol triggers it (med induced high cortisol) and they suspect it is a mitochondria issue...another med they had me on depleted me of the stuff your mitochondria needs to work.  So in essence the Dr. lack of listening put me in this condition but they won't even acknowledge it not to mention that no one recognized the chemical issues. 

As to chemical issues even this past Christmas when we were at my mothers, she put out soap she knew was poisonous to me and when confronted, she simply said, "I wanted to get it used up."  For years when we were due to visit my parents my father would have my mother spray the same chemical that was on the cat on the carpet and furniture before we came so even visiting them is a very dangerous proposition.

So my greatest struggle with forgiveness is about a constant every single minute of every day reminder that the depraved indifferent of not only Drs but family have brought me to the place in which I should be housebound but instead, I risk death every time I walk out the door or every time my family comes home because they could carry it in on them.  The threat never goes away and Brian says I always underestimate the real danger.  Even eating comes with a price and risk.  On an average week I should be in the ER 3 or more times a week though we are slowing making some minor progress.  With this kind of reminder it is hard to not feel sorry for myself or be angry and hurt but God is good and His blessings are beyond compare.

The real message of this story is this, God is using it and blessing me and others through it all.  With this life being but a vapor the real question I have to ask myself is whether or not this is too great a cost for following Christ even to the point of forgiving and leaving it in His mighty and Loving hands.

I began this story be telling you how I came to Christ.  When I was a teen, one day I was sitting in the sewing room sewing.  My sister came in and laid on my shoulders.  I asked her to move and she refused.  I told her to move and like siblings sometimes do, she refused.  So I took ahold of her arms and set her off of me.  My sister went crying to my father claiming I scratched her and showed him an old wound that was healing.  My father went nuts and took off his belt and began to beat me for scratching my sister.  If you had been there that day you would have sworn I saw getting the beating of my lifetime.  Instead, the belt never touched me.  There was not pain nor marks from the contact of the belt.  That day, Christ literally stood between me and that punishment.  I knew first hand the beauty, pain, wonder of Him taking stripes meant for me.  In that moment I was able to look back and see that young kid that reasoned her way into seeking God.  My situation hadn't changed, but I had.  I was a child that should not have made it and yet I was thriving.

We have all been given the grace, mercy, Love to become more than overcomers, the trick is living every moment of everyday in that truth and the wonders of a God whose Love knows no bounds, even the horrors of our past fall into nothingness in the power of His mighty grace and Love.  If only we could always remember that!

May we all learn to trust Him completely and in that discover that we can leave forgiveness at the feet of Jesus and there find rest and peace like this world cannot know.
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patrick jane

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Re: Forgiveness and Reconciliation
« Reply #7 on: October 09, 2018, 11:33:48 am »
Oh Lori, what a heart wrenching but wonderful story of persevering through tragedy that lasts a life time. I can't imagine what you've been through. And you stay so positive in your posts here and at TF, it's amazing. You are in my daily prayers and I also pray throughout my waking hours and in my dreams. The spirit prays for us also as you know.
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guest24

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Re: Forgiveness and Reconciliation
« Reply #8 on: October 09, 2018, 11:59:03 am »
Thanks, I hope you know that you have not only been an encouragement to us but that you are also prayed for by us.

My daughter once said that I should be really messed up by all the things I have been through...then she got really quiet and said, but you aren't.  I looked her in the eye and said, "That is the power and Love of God revealed to a lost and fallen world"...God's promise to all of us that struggle to forgive for whatever reason is Romans 8:37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.

The whole context is important but it is a great memory verse for all of us.
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patrick jane

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Re: Forgiveness and Reconciliation
« Reply #9 on: October 02, 2020, 11:29:12 am »
Good

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